


Shades of the Sun

by BearWithAHat



Series: the shortcomings of soulmates [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, Internal Conflict, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, a little different than soulmate aus tend to go though lol, tghis is just a bunch of bullshit don't read it, therapist charles, this doesn't really have much of a plot but oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26777434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BearWithAHat/pseuds/BearWithAHat
Summary: When two soulmates came into each other’s lives, their identifying markings would appear on their wrists. Completely identical, the marks bound them together as two halves of a whole.Most of the time, they didn’t appear right away. Instead one could expect their marking to appear once they had gotten to know each other or when they were beginning to become romantically involved with each other. It could take from weeks to months to a year, whether they were in love or not.That was the cruelest aspect of all to Antonio.
Relationships: Esteban Ocon/Max Verstappen, Marcus Ericsson/Antonio Giovinazzi, Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc
Series: the shortcomings of soulmates [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971838
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Shades of the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> I should preface this with saying that for as long as I have read (and been writing lol) fic, I have never liked soulmate aus. I have read some rather well written and sweet ones but the concept itself has just always been something i dislike and thus I have never written one 🤧🤧 so I decided that maybe I can get over my disdain for soulmate aus by writing my own :) 
> 
> the title and kinda the basic concept that i was going for with this is inspired by the song ‘Like the Dawn’ by the Oh Hellos, which is a fantastic song by an equally fantastic band that i would definitely recommend ❤️
> 
> *Marcus calls Antonio his 'little lamb' in this because I once wrote a fic where he calls him that and its stuck with me ever since 🥺I know it probably sounds a bit weird but I love that nickname sjjsjadj

Antonio had done his fair share of crying and worrying over when he would meet his soulmate. It was something that he had grown up expecting to be excited about, and when he was younger, he never worried too much about anything other than when it would happen.

When two soulmates came into each other’s lives, their identifying markings would appear on their wrists. Completely identical, the marks bound them together as two halves of a whole. 

Most of the time, they didn’t appear right away. Instead one could expect their marking to appear once they had gotten to know each other or when they were beginning to become romantically involved with each other. It could take from weeks to months to a year, whether they were in love or not.

That was the cruelest aspect of all to Antonio.

When he learned that, he had a sinking realization that soulmates didn’t always love each other. There was no choice about it; you met your soulmate, which you had no control over, and had to love them whether it came naturally or not. Antonio couldn’t imagine having to spend your life with someone you didn’t love, and furthermore he couldn’t imagine the pain of loving someone who didn’t turn out to be your soulmate.

The delighted look on Pierre and Charles’ faces when they learned that they were soulmates would always live in Antonio’s mind. They had been shyly flirting with each other for a long time and had been friends for even longer; it seemed like it was only a matter of time until they confirmed that they were made for one another. Pierre had babbled on to Antonio that night about how happy he was, how much he loved Charles and how he always had a feeling that they would turn out to be soulmates.

But what also lived on in his memory was the hurt, angry look on Max's face when he discovered that Esteban was his soulmate. The two refused to speak to each other for weeks, and when they did start to at least interact and try to cope with the fact that they were meant to be together, the arguments could be heard by practically everyone at the different tracks. The way they yelled and narrowly avoided escalating to violence was not a pleasant memory to anyone who had to bear witness to it.

Antonio also remembered the way Lance had so obviously been silently hurting when his best friend wasn't his soulmate. The young Canadian didn't say it, but Antonio knew how much he wanted to be with Esteban, and the pain of that disappointment combined with the pain of seeing Esteban end up with someone he didn't get along with at all must have been hard to handle.

For the argumentative couple, things at least slowly got better with time. They didn't argue as much and were remarkably civil to each other most of the time. Antonio knew they didn't love each other though, and they never would.

He tried his best to ignore Max and Esteban's unfortunate pairing and instead look forward to hopefully having a relationship with his soulmate like Pierre and Charles did. Still, at the back of his mind, Antonio was frequently worried that he wouldn't get the happy ending that his friends did. He wasn't sure if it would hurt him more to never meet his soulmate or to meet them and not love them.

"You'll find them someday, Tonio," Pierre whispered reassuringly to him one night. The Italian was visiting him and Charles and had confided in Pierre, whom instantly made Antonio lay down with him after enveloping him in a warm hug.

"I know, I know. But I just feel like it's been long enough and I haven't met them yet, and I get so worked up thinking about when it will happen," Antonio sighed. He was laying on Pierre and Charles' bed with his head in Pierre's lap, his friend slowly stroking his hair and keeping his other hand comfortingly on his back.

"Don't worry, life will take you to them eventually," Pierre cooed. He continued to play with Antonio's hair as Charles came into the room, and he instantly perked up and smiled at his lover. Antonio looked up from where he lay in Pierre's lap and watched the couple exchange a sweet kiss, and he felt a pang of loneliness in his heart at the tender look Charles gave Pierre.

He hoped he would find his soulmate soon; as desperate as it made him sound, Antonio wanted to love and be loved.

When Marcus came into his life, it was like his whole world changed. The sweet, slightly awkward Swede stole his heart from the first time they ever talked to one another. Antonio remembered how scarlet his cheeks had flushed when Marcus smiled at him and asked his name, and he forgot how to speak English momentarily. Marcus must have felt the same, because it wasn't long until they grew closer and closer and Antonio began to assume that he had finally met his soulmate. 

He and Marcus simply fit together like a hook and eye; they molded perfectly with one another and Antonio had never been so sure of something in his life as when he first thought that perhaps Marcus was the one for him.

Their identifying marks didn't appear at first, and that wasn't any cause for alarm. They knew that it sometimes took a while for it to happen; no one was really sure what specifically triggered it anyway. Antonio had met the man he loved, and he was alright with having to be a little bit patient.

During the summer break, Marcus had kissed him for the first time. 

Antonio was sitting out in his garden, having fallen asleep in the early morning and the sun bathing him in its warmth. He had invited Marcus to stay with him and on that particular morning, he went to sit outside after having breakfast while Marcus was still asleep. The morning air and the calm serenity of the quiet wilderness lulled Antonio to sleep as he sat with a cup of tea beside him and dozed off.

The feeling of an arm around his shoulder and soft lips against his cheek woke Antonio up some time later. He blinked in the sunlight, yawning, and looked up to see Marcus smiling down at him. Antonio smiled sleepily at him and lay his head on Marcus' shoulder. The cup of tea that he had neglected by falling asleep was now cold, but Antonio didn't mind. He had Marcus there to warm him up now.

"You should have come back to bed, little lamb, you didn't have to sleep out here," Marcus murmured. He lightly ran his fingers over Antonio's arm, pulling him closer and nudging Antonio's leg with his foot.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep out here," Antonio laughed lightly. He turned his head to nose at Marcus' shoulder and inhaled the sweet scent of the man he loved. Antonio sat up after a few seconds and looked at Marcus, blushing when the Swede smiled at him with the most adoration and rapture that he had ever seen.

Blushing, Antonio's lips curled into a shy smile as he turned his head away and looked down at the ground. The way Marcus looked at him like he was performing a miracle when he was doing something as simple as sitting in the garden as he was now never failed to make him feel the butterflies in his stomach coming to life. He couldn't stop himself from getting shy when Marcus was smiling at him like he was in that moment, his head slightly tilted to the side, a relaxed expression on his face filled with loving awe.

Being in love with Marcus was the most sanguine thing. Antonio always had someone he could look forward to on days where he just wanted to cry and felt like he was better off waiting for the day to end. The moment that he saw any pained expression from the Italian, Marcus smiled sympathetically at him with open arms. Hugging him and laying in his arms was therapeutic and Antonio now understood what it was to feel like you were destined to be with someone.

After Marcus had soothingly rubbed his back and said something comforting to him, Antonio felt a little bit better even if his problems and frustrations still existed. Having someone by his side who he could lean on, and who in turn leaned on him, made life's troubles seem less like mountains and more like rolling hills.

It just felt natural when he was with Marcus; all that he was waiting for was their identifying marks to appear eventually.

"Don't look away, I want to see that pretty face," Marcus teased him, placing a finger beneath Antonio's chin and gently turning his head back again. He then brushed his fingers through Antonio's hair, some of the strands having been blown out of the ponytail he had tied it back in.

Antonio leaned into the pleasant feeling of Marcus playing with his hair and didn't complain when he took it out of its ponytail and continued playing with it. He let his eyes fall shut again as he let out a pleased noise and placed his hand on Marcus' thigh to steady himself.

He opened his eyes again to see Marcus still gazing at him like he was some piece of art in a museum. Antonio smiled sleepily at him and asked, "why do you look at me like that?"

"Because you are the brightest shade of sunshine I have ever seen," Marcus murmured to him, moving his hand to cup his cheek and tenderly brush his finger over Antonio's cheekbone, and Antonio just about melted in his hands.

Marcus leaned closer and closer until he softly pressed his lips against Antonio's. There was nothing rushed or hurried or uncomfortable at all about it, and Antonio found himself unable to think of anything else except the feeling of Marcus' lips on his, his hands on his skin and the feeling of Marcus' nose brushing ever so slightly against his cheek as they kissed in the morning sun.

Antonio felt a serene warmth spread throughout his entire body and he savored the sweet taste of Marcus. It was the first time anyone had ever kissed him, and it was so much more than he had expected it to be. He knew that it was supposed to be some magical, romantic thing when two lovers kissed for the first time, but he hadn't fully comprehended the way it shook his whole world and filled his heart with joy.

To Antonio, he felt like the moment lasted forever and simultaneously ended too quickly when Marcus pulled away from him. He knew he was grinning from ear to ear and he touched a finger up to his bottom lip momentarily as if to make sure that it had really happened.

"Can we do that again?" Antonio asked shamelessly.

"Of course, love," Marcus whispered, closing the gap between them again.

Antonio had expected to finally see the mark on his wrist after that. It was a milestone in their relationship, one that lay close to his heart, and he assumed that it was about time for them to get some confirmation that they were soulmates.

When it didn't happen and days of waiting turned into weeks, months, and eventually an entire year, Antonio's quiet patience and hopefulness finally broke. Every morning he woke up and glanced at his wrist, grimacing when the only thing he saw was his own tan skin, unblemished. He would turn over in bed and glance at Marcus, who was normally still sleeping, and sigh softly to himself as he tried to cling onto hope that maybe nature was just late in their case.

But when it was summer again the next year, Antonio felt ready to cry whenever he looked at his barren wrist each morning. Marcus hadn't seemed as affected by it as him. Occasionally they talked about it, wondering when their identifying marks would appear to confirm that they were soulmates, and the Swede always calmly told Antonio to have patience and not to be in a hurry.

How on earth he managed to seem so unaffected by the fact that it was turning out to appear that they weren't soulmates escaped Antonio. As the days slipped by, Antonio grew more and more anxious over it, and his love for Marcus never once faded even as his hope did.

It was on a pretty summer morning, like the one on which they had kissed each other for the first time the previous year, that Antonio couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks when he glanced at his plain wrist again.

Antonio bit his lip and tried to keep quiet as he rolled out of bed while tears blurred his vision. He didn't want to wake Marcus and he certainly didn't want his lover to see him crying. His phone lay on the nightstand and Antonio grabbed it and stepped out of the room, dialing a number he knew by heart.

"Hello?" Pierre's kind voice rang out on the other side of the line.

"I'm sorry to call without notice, but can I come over? I really need to talk to you," Antonio asked. The crack in his voice gave away his best efforts to hide the fact that he was crying and he heard Pierre make a concerned noise.

"Of course, Tonio," Pierre reassured him.

Antonio quickly pulled on a pair of clothes and ran a brush through his hair. His own sad, teary-eyed appearance stared back at him in the mirror, but he knew that Pierre and Charles wouldn't judge him for looking like shit.

Luckily for him, the drive to his friends' house wasn't too long. Antonio found himself on their doorstep just a few minutes later, hugging his arms around himself as he waited for someone to open the door. Pierre ushered him inside and pulled him into a tight hug. Antonio gripped him like his life depended on it, crying softly as he buried his face in the soft material of the Frenchman's sweatshirt.

"Come in, come sit down honey, we'll talk about whatever is making you sad," Pierre cooed to him. He took Antonio by the arm and led him into the bedroom, where he settled onto their bed and patted the spot next to him.

Antonio sniffled and climbed up next to him. He lay down and rested his head on Pierre's lap, pressing his nose against Pierre's thigh and squeezing his eyes shut as the tears continued to flow.

Pierre simply let him cry for a few minutes. He hummed quietly and began to stroke Antonio's hair until the Italian calmed down enough to breathe steadily once more and eventually found it in himself to speak again.

"What's wrong, Tonio?" Pierre asked him an an even voice. 

It took a moment for Antonio to be able to put it into words. He gripped at Pierre's jeans and had to swallow back more sobs, trying to figure out where to start. Charles padded into the room and came up to sit beside Pierre, tucking his legs neatly underneath him and placing a hand on Antonio's back. He whispered something to Pierre that Antonio couldn't hear.

"I've tried to be patient and I've tried to stay positive, but we've been together for over a year and still nothing. We're not soulmates. I look every day for the mark to appear but it doesn't, I love him so much and it's just not fair. We're not soulmates, no matter how much I want it to be _him_ ," Antonio cried. Recounting it made things worse for him, another stab of pain wracking his chest and making him tear up again.

It hurt him to know that he and Marcus weren't meant for one another. For so long Antonio had waited to fall in love and he had waited to meet his soulmate; now he almost felt naive for assuming that those two things would be parallel events. He had fallen so deeply in love, but he had not met his soulmate.

"Shh, take a breath honey, just breathe and try to calm down," Pierre whispered to him. Charles leaned against Pierre and rubbed Antonio's back, and the slow, consistent pressure of his hand helped Antonio to settle his racing mind and heart.

"Who are you talking about, Tonio?" Charles asked in a gentle tone.

" _Marcus,_ " Antonio breathed out, "it's been over a year since we got together and I assumed it would be him. It _feels_ like it should be him. I love Marcus so much and he makes me feel something I've never felt before. He loves me too, it feels so much like we're soulmates, all that's missing is that stupid mark."

He felt like he was going to choke on his sobs and he felt a bit stupid crying like toddler in his friend's lap. Antonio had bottled up his worries about if Marcus was his soulmate for so long that he couldn't hold it back anymore. A few more minutes of crying was therapeutic enough to Antonio for him to start to quiet down as Pierre patted his hair and Charles rubbed his back.

"Oh Tonio..." Pierre sighed, "I'm so sorry. That's so unfair, I know how happy he makes you. I don't know what I'd do if Charles wasn't my soulmate."

"I don't know what to do. I thought it would have been him. How can I love him so much if it isn't him?" Antonio went on, turning over to hide his face in the material of Pierre's sweatshirt. He felt Pierre let out a shaky breath and heard Charles shush him the way a mother does to her child.

"Well...if you love him, then why should it matter that you aren't soulmates?" Pierre murmured. Antonio peeked up at him and raised an eyebrow, and he saw Charles roll his eyes and kiss Pierre on the cheek.

"Pear, darling, I love you, but you aren't very good at this kind of thing," Charles tutted. He gently pulled Antonio to sit up properly between them and wrapped an arm around him, giving Antonio a knowing look as if he knew how to solve all his anguish.

"Antonio, when Marcus looks at you, how does it make you feel?" Charles questioned.

Antonio wasn't sure where he was going with the question and raised an eyebrow. "It makes me get this warm feeling in my chest and I can't stop myself from smiling," he confessed. He could just picture the dreamy look Marcus often gave him and how it always made him blush and look away in return.

"When he kisses you, how does that make you feel?" Charles continued.

"I don't really know how to describe it. It's like it makes me feel like everything's perfect and it's just the two of us in that moment," Antonio recalled. He wiped the dampness off of his cheeks as best as he could and thought of the very first time they had kissed, sitting out in his garden in the warm morning sun. How he wished to go back to that moment, Antonio thought.

"And when you wake up beside him each morning and feel him holding you, how does it make you feel?" Charles asked calmly. He brushed away the last remnants of Antonio's tears with the back of his hand. Pierre sat on Antonio's other side and held him close, resting his head on his shoulder.

"Safe. Like I'm at home. Like it's where I'm supposed to be," Antonio breathed out. He did his best to keep his tears at bay as he thought about how he could never go back to a world where he didn't get to fall asleep and wake up beside Marcus. It always put a smile on his face to wake up to the feeling of Marcus' lips on his neck, or to spoon Marcus from behind and nuzzle his nose into his blonde hair to wake the sleeping blonde up.

"So then you love him. You love him so much that it makes you happier than anything else, yeah?" Charles asked, a gentle smile forming over his face.

"Yes, I do," Antonio responded.

"Then he is your soulmate."

Antonio was confused, and he tilted his head and opened his mouth to protest. He thought he had established well enough that Marcus clearly was _not_ his soulmate, no matter how much he wanted him to be, and that was the root of his whole issue; that was what was making him cry and feel so lost. Charles could see the confusion on his face and laughed softly, clapping Antonio on the shoulder.

"Soulmates aren't found, they're _made._ There might be this whole identifying marks thing that we all have to fret and worry about and some of us are lucky enough to deeply love the person who nature decided for us to be with, like Pierre and I are. But we're all people, Antonio, we're all individuals with hearts and minds and some little patch of skin shouldn't decide who we love," Charles murmured to him, cupping his cheek and softening his tone.

"We're all people, and we are not halves of a whole, we weren't made for someone else. We're made to be _us,_ and we get to choose who we spend our life with. Every day we choose to be with those we love, and love knows no boundaries. If you love Marcus, then you love him, and you choose to spend your life with him and be in love with him and you never stop loving him. It doesn't matter that there's no goddamn mark on your skin," Charles whispered. 

Antonio felt like he was about to start tearing up again as Charles managed to preach exactly what he needed to hear. It made him feel better and it made him let go of the worry that had built up in his chest for so long that made him feel like his and Marcus' relationship wasn't real because they didn't have identifying marks on their wrists.

"A marking isn't what makes a relationship, love makes a relationship. You two love each other, and you have built something beautiful because of that love. That is so much more meaningful than some act of fate, Tonio," Charles finished, leaning in and kissing the top of his head.

Nodding, Antonio sat there quietly and hid his face in his hands for a moment. He took a deep breath and dropped his hands to his lap once more. "Thank you," he said, "you have no idea how much I needed to hear that."

Pierre cooed happily and threw his arms around Antonio, murmuring sweetly to him as Charles joined in on the hug. Antonio smiled and laughed, wrapping an arm around each of his friends and holding them tightly.

He thanked them once again, drank a glass of water, and then said his goodbyes and slipped out the door. Antonio drove home in solitude and with newfound confidence, he opened the front door to find Marcus curled up on the couch. The Swede was still in his pyjamas and had his glasses on, meaning he had probably just woken up. He smiled and set down the book he had been reading and reached out for Antonio to come to him.

"Why was my little lamb crying?" Marcus asked when Antonio sank down into his arms, the Italian's appearance giving away that he had been crying.

Antonio sighed and hid his face in Marcus' neck, clinging to him and not answering his question at first. He felt Marcus embrace him and the same homely feeling that he had been describing to Charles earlier spread throughout his chest as Marcus held him.

"I don't care that we don't have any marks on our wrists," Antonio whispered against his skin, "I love you and you are the only one for me."

Marcus gently tilted his head so that Antonio could look him in the eye and see the sweet, loving expression on his face. "I don't care either. I love you too, with all my heart."

Antonio broke out into a smile and pulled Marcus into a tender kiss. His eyes fell shut and he relaxed into the sensation of Marcus' soft lips against his, curling his fingers into his blonde hair and knowing that he was where he belonged.

When they pulled apart, Marcus tucked a stray strand of Antonio's hair behind his ear and said, "you make my life so much brighter, my ray of sunshine. Don't ever fade on me."

**Author's Note:**

> ahh well this concludes my venture into an au I don't like. After writing this...I still don't exactly love soulmate aus. But this was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoyed it 🥺🥺
> 
> as always you can find me on Tumblr @esteboo-ocon 🙈❤️


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